Mmm... Bacon...

I may very well be biased in saying this, but from the point of view of a food connoisseur such as me (read: glutton), the pig could very well be the greatest animal to ever exist. You can feed them just about anything and they taste great when eaten. As Homer Simpson may or may not know, they give us ham, bacon, and pork chops. The pig truly is a magical animal. In fact, I already feel bad for vegetarian and those who subscribe to religions that forbid its consumption.

In my opinion, bacon has got to be the tastiest of the three (although porks chops and ham can both compete for a close second when done just right). The best part about bacon is that it occasionally goes on sale. About a month ago, brand name bacon went on sale for about $3 for a 500g package. For those who read this blog many years later and are unsure how good of a deal that is due to inflation and the changing of prices, bacon currently ranges from about $4 (usually no name) to $6 (brand name).

I never did eat much bacon when I grew up because I didn't actually enjoy it much more than most other meats that I ate. My logic was that bacon was so much worse for me than these other meats, and only tasted a bit better, so why not eat more meat as opposed to less? Unfortunately for me, the financial side of me recognized a great opportunity to purchase food that I normally would not be willing to pay for. In the event that my friends and/or family is reading this blog, I refuse to disclose the exact number of packages purchased. Let's just say it was at least enough to satisfy me, and definitely less than enough to kill me on the spot had I cooked and eaten all of it in one sitting.

Now if you recall that I mentioned I didn't eat much bacon before this during my lifetime, you'll probably quickly realize something that I completely failed to consider when I left the store: I had no idea how to cook bacon. I had a feeling that you were supposed to pan fry it, but I couldn't be certain. I decided to give it a shot anyways.

Now there's probably a right way and certainly many wrong ways to make bacon. It actually took me a few tries to get it right. For instance, it seemed logical that if I didn't happen to have a clean pan, a small pot should suffice. After all, a pot is just a pan with much higher walls surrounding the cooking surface. It didn't take too long before I realized that this was not a good idea. The wall of the pot made it incredibly hard for me to manipulate the bacon without touching the heated metal or getting hot oil on my hand. As a result, I discovered that I could not fit the entire package in the pot and effectively cook it. After cooking my first package, I'd have to say that all in all, it was still passible. On a scale from 0 to 10, I'd give myself a 6. Some of the pieces were not crispy enough, some were partially burnt, but it was all edible and it all tasted pretty decent.

It was a while before I tried again, but this time, I definitely made certain to use a pan. The pan had a greater surface area, which allowed me to manipulate a greater percentage of the bacon in the pan than if it were in the pot. The cooking was more even this time and I did much better, but it could definitely be improved. I still had not figured out how to make the bacon crispy, but not crunchy. Overall self-score: 7.

By the time I tried again, I had discovered something I had once again not considered. What if I were to cook the package in parts? Up to this point, I had just cooked the entire package at once (though I was at least smart enough to separate the slices before putting them in the pot/pan). It was a miracle. In fact, the only drawback I had was that the anticipation was increased greatly. It's not easy to keep cooking and not eat when you've got a tasty strip of bacon or two sitting on 3 pieces of paper towel on a plate. Overall self-score: 8, but with a -1 penalty to my patience check.

After this experience, I am not going to buy bacon for a very long time. After getting the preliminaries down to a science, making perfect bacon is still an art. I have significantly less trouble cooking other meats, and I can eat more of them than I can bacon. And we've already established that more meat is undoubtedly better than less meat. Now if I can just avoid the Golden Griddle's bacon-filled $11 all-you-can-eat weekend breakfast buffet, I'll be just fine...